Friday, August 18, 2006

Dear God.

I have been baptised a Catholic at birth and had my first holy communion at the age of 17. In highschool, I have been part of a group called YCS (Young Christian Students) which I am proud of till this day. I taught christianity to kids at camps and sunday school,simple stuff guided by text books and reciting prayers which i did sincerely in the hopes of giving something back.

Now I do sin, sometimes conciously (mostly being a guy with impure lustful thoughts) sometimes unconciously (getting angry and disrespectful to my parent over misunderstandings). I sometimes feel really unworthy of being Christain, I sometimes wallow and hide in the guilt of it...

Honestly, my faith is hitting an all time low but truly I still do believe in the Lord and want to better myself again religiously. I want to be able to be happy and right with God,honestly who doesn't?

My brother,a stout Catholic and previously an altar server have accused me of being a hype-Catholic, one who gets fired up to go to church every now and then but not having the commitment to go every week."You were going to church everyweek when you were in YCS because you had friends then you stop...you were going to church every week after the film passion of christ...then you stop again....what's wrong with you?" Honestly, my immediate reaction to this is anger...but upon reflection, I am thankful and believe he is half right. Yes, I do need to get fired up at times to go to church...but then honestly...in my lapses,I do still crawl into church now and then kneel extremely humbled and low at a corner to pray..." Lord...please make me a better person and please lead me to a better christain life...I want to make you proud of me..." Honestly...the Lord often rejuvenates me and I walk out with a tinge of happiness and all sorts of ideas come to me as to how to improve myself and the world around me but all to often...this sudden thirst to improve gets quenched in a busy busy world.

I come from a Catholic family, one that used to hold hands and say grace before meals...'used to' as in the tradition stopped after my grandmother's passing.But recently, during a Chinese New Year dinner, we did it again. My family is quite funny.In church, we do not sit as a family... Take for example, my brother and I,my grandfather, my dad and my uncle. We could go for the same mass and yet my grandfather will sit at one place while my brother another while my father and uncle at another...I once tried to sit at my grandfather's side only to have him drop hints to sit elsewhere next time. Does this mean that as a family we like to seek God in self and the solitute of it? Or does it mean that my family has not grown together in God. My family can also all go to church together...say wonderful things like peace be with you and then come out of church bickering about one another and the state of affairs.

When I met zhiling, she brought me to her church at Glad Tidings. One of the reason I loved her dearly was because when she was beside me in church singing, she turned into this most beautiful being. All happy with a huge smile singing her praises. This gave me sort of a revival again to be one with God...and I was at one point attending one service(in Glad Tidings) and one mass(in St. Ignatius) every week. There were obvious differences in the two but I wanted to be with her and sing praises but I also wanted to hold strong to my Catholic faith.That is not saying that the protestant way or any other religion whether Buddhism and Islam is wrong, just that mine is Catholism.

But then again,I had a friend tell me off...how can you profess to believe in Jesus being the one true God and still allow other religion to manifest? We must evangelize!

God...guide me?

Over the next few postings I am going to post openly and honestly on my thoughts of God and christianity,please contribute your comments...I am hoping this will lead to a greater understanding for me on God.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Being a christian is all about letting God love us...

It's good when we try to love Him by serving Him and doing all other things... however you will find that less meaningful over a period of time because that's not what God is asking for...

"Loving God is letting Him love you more"

To know that there's nothing that we can do to earn that love because it's given free to us.

To know regardless not matter how unworthy we are, or how much guilt we may have in our life, He still wants us back. (we can still reject Him by not allowing ourselves to be forgiven).

To stop everything you are doing and just let Him love you (through talking to you, restoring your wounds, revealing to you who He is, how much you are worth to Him).

To allow Him to help you at the downest moment in your life.

To allow Him to accompany you when you are lonely.

To allow Him to bless you every single day.

To believe that you are a great person, because who He made you to be.

The worse thing we can do to God is not letting Him love us.. that's a rejection. I'm sure many of us know how that feels but that's what we are doing to God at times.

babyPup said...

Life has it's ups and downs, and all too often, we tend to lapse and forget God.
i know i do too, and i feel the same like you. But it's always good to know that we can always turn to Him, anytime, any day and be warmed in his embrace.

sharon said...

one thing i've learnt through ycs and my interaction with catholics and non-catholics, is to learn to define being a catholic through my life experiences.

doctrines, rules, cathecism are just guides...

learn to live the religion, and not live to make a difference among the different religions...

Anonymous said...

Well...what exactly are you asking, or seeking?
-Becky (ZL's friend)
P.S. My comment, for what it's worth, would be don't ride on the spiritual "highs" that follow a revival, but let your walk with God be a constant feature of your life. We are running a race, after all - meaning, it's not a "nice" thing we do every now and then, but it's a goal that consumes -or should consume- our lives.
"Thou has formed us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless till they find rest in Thee" (St Augustine).
Resting in God, funnily enough, initially requires an act of will on our part.

Tiang said...

Hey there!

Saw your comment in xanga....

Er... well I'll call you out for a drink... but it will not be that soon as I'm studying in Singapore...

Take care =)

Oscar ( Possessed) said...

Yo Linus, Oscar here, guy from Possessed. So where ya gone to now? Stay in touch yeah? Here's my email, oscar_257008@hotmail.com . Best of luck.

jacksons said...

Linus my friend, its me Leon Jackson (leon-alicia.blogspot.com). The funny Christian guy that you frequently bumped into in the Lim Kok Wing area in Taman Mayang. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that I am as bad and sinful as they come, but God is not done with me, and He really helps me out. So I don’t see why he cant help you. Hope this encourages you man. Keep in touch.

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Living Life to the full...I hope to live by the principle that success doesn't mean making a tonne of money though I am blessed that i do make a decent sum...but success equates to appreciateing all the God given wonder this world has to offer before my time is up...