Dear God.

I have been baptised a Catholic at birth and had my first holy communion at the age of 17. In highschool, I have been part of a group called YCS (Young Christian Students) which I am proud of till this day. I taught christianity to kids at camps and sunday school,simple stuff guided by text books and reciting prayers which i did sincerely in the hopes of giving something back.

Now I do sin, sometimes conciously (mostly being a guy with impure lustful thoughts) sometimes unconciously (getting angry and disrespectful to my parent over misunderstandings). I sometimes feel really unworthy of being Christain, I sometimes wallow and hide in the guilt of it...

Honestly, my faith is hitting an all time low but truly I still do believe in the Lord and want to better myself again religiously. I want to be able to be happy and right with God,honestly who doesn't?

My brother,a stout Catholic and previously an altar server have accused me of being a hype-Catholic, one who gets fired up to go to church every now and then but not having the commitment to go every week."You were going to church everyweek when you were in YCS because you had friends then you stop...you were going to church every week after the film passion of christ...then you stop again....what's wrong with you?" Honestly, my immediate reaction to this is anger...but upon reflection, I am thankful and believe he is half right. Yes, I do need to get fired up at times to go to church...but then honestly...in my lapses,I do still crawl into church now and then kneel extremely humbled and low at a corner to pray..." Lord...please make me a better person and please lead me to a better christain life...I want to make you proud of me..." Honestly...the Lord often rejuvenates me and I walk out with a tinge of happiness and all sorts of ideas come to me as to how to improve myself and the world around me but all to often...this sudden thirst to improve gets quenched in a busy busy world.

I come from a Catholic family, one that used to hold hands and say grace before meals...'used to' as in the tradition stopped after my grandmother's passing.But recently, during a Chinese New Year dinner, we did it again. My family is quite funny.In church, we do not sit as a family... Take for example, my brother and I,my grandfather, my dad and my uncle. We could go for the same mass and yet my grandfather will sit at one place while my brother another while my father and uncle at another...I once tried to sit at my grandfather's side only to have him drop hints to sit elsewhere next time. Does this mean that as a family we like to seek God in self and the solitute of it? Or does it mean that my family has not grown together in God. My family can also all go to church together...say wonderful things like peace be with you and then come out of church bickering about one another and the state of affairs.

When I met zhiling, she brought me to her church at Glad Tidings. One of the reason I loved her dearly was because when she was beside me in church singing, she turned into this most beautiful being. All happy with a huge smile singing her praises. This gave me sort of a revival again to be one with God...and I was at one point attending one service(in Glad Tidings) and one mass(in St. Ignatius) every week. There were obvious differences in the two but I wanted to be with her and sing praises but I also wanted to hold strong to my Catholic faith.That is not saying that the protestant way or any other religion whether Buddhism and Islam is wrong, just that mine is Catholism.

But then again,I had a friend tell me off...how can you profess to believe in Jesus being the one true God and still allow other religion to manifest? We must evangelize!

God...guide me?

Over the next few postings I am going to post openly and honestly on my thoughts of God and christianity,please contribute your comments...I am hoping this will lead to a greater understanding for me on God.